Save The Croissants

“Hey Zachary! look at my new poster.”

Dr. Smith examined the poster;

“ ‘The People’s Candidate?’ You do know, James” He said “That the election is only a technicality, right? You wrote yourself into the constitution. You’re running for ‘Glorious Tyrant For Life’ You’re the only candidate.”

Capt. Brown was slightly crestfallen, “Of course I know, Zachary. But look, it’s my face on a poster.” His eyes sparkled like a child, “I ordered 100,000. You want to help me put them up around town?”
Capt. Brown delivered this proposal like he’d just scored the last two tickets to a prized concert, Dr. Smith had only one possible answer.

”Of course I’ll help you, James. I’ll get my stapler.”

$“Now, if we turn to table [c] [iii] subsection [f6] you can see that in certain bases “x” is egual to Or Greater ThanThe square root of the hypotenuse. BUT! If we carry the three, and divide it by the remainder of the fraction wars in subsections [b] [i]—[b] [ivxx] [c2] we’re left with Z 2 WHICH IS NOT!” “Zachary, what are you doing?” “Shh. KEEP ROLLING JEEVES. The people must know.” —Jacob$

“Now, if we turn to table [c] [iii] subsection [f⁶] you can see that in certain bases “x” is egual to Or Greater ThanThe square root of the hypotenuse. BUT! If we carry the three, and divide it by the remainder of the fraction wars in subsections [b] [i]—[b] [ivxx] [c²] we’re left with Z ² WHICH IS NOT!”

“Zachary, what are you doing?”

“Shh. KEEP ROLLING JEEVES. The people must know.”

—Jacob

Camera: Canon EOS REBEL T3i
Aperture: f/10
Exposure: 1"
Focal Length: 76mm

Ray gun envy.

—Jacob

Camera: Canon EOS REBEL T3i
Aperture: f/2.2
Exposure: 1/125th
Focal Length: 76mm

CWA Mini–Sode: Dr. Smith Trolls the RSS »

“What’cha typing, Zachary?” Asked Capt. Brown, whose patience had finally been worn down by Dr. Smith’s endless typing, the noise from which rung throughout the house.

“I’m writing a monograph for the RSS ¹ on an aphid that feeds solely on the leaves of the rosa gallincanae and is only found in some parts of romania.” ²

“Is it an important bug?” Asked Capt. Brown,

“No.” Replied Dr. Smith. “But those cretins at the Royal Scientific Society won’t find that out until they’ve waded through over 600 pages of contradicting facts that nevertheless are completely true, philosophical conundrums where both outcomes are possible and valid and aggravatingly complete descriptions of things which bear no significance to anything, but sound like they do, written completely in obtuse terms and language that hasn’t meant what I’m saying for over a hundred years.”

“Geez,” Cap’t Brown Replied “What did they Do to you?”

“The denied my application. Again.”

“Okay, I’m getting you out of the house.”

“Yeah, maybe that’a good idea.” Admitted Dr. Smith. He got up to go get his coat and hat.

Capt. Brown hung behind for a moment, possesed by curiosity. He unwrapped the paper from the typewriter and started to read it.

He saw that it was page 422,³ but a paragraph later he dropped it like it was on fire due to the throbbing pain in his temples and the overwhelming existential despair which consumed him.

¹ Royal Scientific Society

² Colloquially known as the Gypsy Rose Leaf bug.

³ Err 422

CWA Mini–sode: Merry Christmas From the Smiths »

Merry Christmas!!
Well, It’s the end of the year, and what a year it’s been!
Morton’s kept up with his…hobbies that he has… And I’ve bought another chain of craft stores!
{We’re doing quite well, up another 15% since yesterday!} I’ve kept up with my investing and fiscal management, and in october I won the QuagmIreland Nat’l Money Award for Being Rich And Services to Poor People Who Aren’t Rich and Have No Money. {Very Prestigious!!! There was a pretty stature that I added to my collection of statues I’ve won.}
This year we [I] decided to spend The Holiday with our son, Zachary, who we hardly ever see because of how busy he is with his things.

This christmas he and his …friend… are living in a tent in the park.

He sends us telegrams sometimes {and by that I mean rarely} And I always got the impression he was doing quite well. He never explained why they were living in a tent {Together!!} in a park like the people my foundations throw money at.

Anyway, they had two trees, an eight foot one and a giant tree, all decorated with shiny baubles and things, very festive. But it was completely freezing out there, so Morton And I had to buy a hotel to sleep in for the night, as it was not a four person tent.

Everyone is having a great time {Except my son who appears to be homeless} and We are all looking forward to another great year!!!!

—Lisa Smith
LISA SMITH [NÉE O’CALLAGHAN]